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The Tesla CyberTruck – Looks Like it Was Designed by a Five Year Old? But Everyone Wants One…

It looks lumpen, the sort of thing which may have been drawn by a child, so what is it about the new Tesla truck that makes us all want one.

There was a conversation in the office this week. Well, if I have to be truthful it almost became one of those ‘documented conversations’ which HR speak of. We almost came to blows. The issue is, I don’t like the new Tesla CyberTruck, however it seems I am in a majority of just one.

Now, I love what Mr Musk is doing, but I did take a moment to wonder what on earth was going through our favourite billionaire’s mind when he launched his latest electric behemoth. I did wonder if he has some sort of inside track on the end of the world. With its Ultra-Hard 30X Cold-Rolled stainless-steel structural skin to Tesla armour glass, and here we are using phrases like skin and exoskeleton rather than bodywork.  I will gloss over the demonstration when the super strong, unbreakable, glass broke.  Note to self, if doing a demo with something unbreakable, just know it isn’t.

However, this is an electric vehicle that will do 0-60 in under three seconds, while carrying three and a half tons of whatever you want to carry. No doubt, ‘bug-out’ supplies, water and champagne. More than enough for the six people who can travel inside in total comfort.

You see, I don’t know if it is the look of the thing. As I said, to me it looks like the Tonka toys I owned in my childhood, solid and angular. The closest thing I can liken it to is a Land Rover which is almost as indestructible. And here this is where I think I have hit upon the perfect market for this new vehicle.

This is an expensive, powerful, nearly indestructible vehicle, with a massive ground clearance and a presence on the road which is only just short of a Sherman tank. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the next, perfect, school-run vehicle!

Forget about a three hundred mile range on a single charge, this baby is going to go no further than the half mile to the local school where the driver will finally have the presence and security to brave the crush of Range Rovers at the school gate. Here is a vehicle which will see lesser cars bounce off its toughened, impenetrable exoskeleton. You can assert your true value amongst the other, lesser cars for this is more than just transportation, this is a statement. It says, I am here and I can run over your sports cars while still appearing to care about the environment. Then on to the supermarket where you need not worry about car park scrapes or rogue trolley encounters.

Of course, this is not the only audience for this vehicle, and this is where Elon has made his master stroke. This is also a driver’s car. I cannot ever see it actually going off-road, and this is a pity with the 16” ground clearance and ability to go up a hill angled up to thirty-five degrees. This will be perfect for the weekend getaway. And Tesla have reinvented caravanning. The mighty CyberTruck will tow ‘near infinite mass’ – this is a bold statement in a world of hyperberbaly. This vehicle has a stated towing weight of almost 14 tonnes.

I don’t generally ‘get’ caravanning, however it seems that the Tesla designers need to think a bit more about some creature comforts like windows for their new caravan!

But this cannot be a vehicle only for the outdoorsy types and ‘ladies that lunch’ on the school run. In fact, the consensus is that this Tesla is just a too bit rugged for everyday use when a Model 3 or a Model Y would do perfectly thank you, however, for the weekends this would be the perfect, go anywhere, do anything vehicle.

As my colleagues told me, in no uncertain terms, this is the sort of car you could take to the beach, or load down with tools and equipment or, if you wished, go across Dartmoor using an otherwise perilous shortcut. Of course, I’m missing the point, this is for the drivers in the US of A who would not survive without their pickups or the ‘Ute’ drivers of Australia.  And here we may have found our problem. The Tesla Cybertruck is just too big for the UK. Not in terms of size, but is this small island ready for something which, by its very power, could tow the whole country back to Europe, if we so desired, and that is a very big can of worms, that we just won’t open.

So maybe that is my issue. I have never seen the need for a massive pickup truck here in the UK, we have too many country roads and too few freeways crossing country sized states. But, I could be swayed. This is an astonishing machine, a true workhorse which may find a place amongst tradespeople who are in a hurry to get to the next job.

I still don’t agree with my colleagues. I can see the attraction, and the ability to not worry about damage to my own vehicle, but I worry I would get lackadaisical and leave a trail of destruction in my wake.  Yes, it could go anywhere, but I don’t have a need for that personally, now as for a Roadster…

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